Negative Self-Talk: What is it and How Can We Improve?

I think we all can agree that we have engaged in negative self-talk more than once in our lives. Whether you continually tell yourself you will never get that promotion, you will never make enough money, you don’t deserve that slice of pizza, etc., you are not alone. In fact, according to the National Science Foundation, out of our 12,000-16,000 thoughts per day, 80% of these thoughts are negative. So, now that we know the facts, how can we identify when we engage in negative self-talk?

Common Forms of Negative Self-Talk

Before we learn to identify the ways in which we engage in negative self-talk, it is critical to understand what may constitute as negative-self talk. Below is a list of common forms:

• Polarizing: Things are either good or bad, and there is no middle ground. (Ex: You believe that you are either perfect or a total failure).
• Catastrophizing: You assume the worst will happen. (Ex: You’re convinced that because you and your significant other don’t agree on something you are destined to break up).
• Personalizing: If something bad happens, you blame yourself. (Ex: The reason your get-together was canceled was actually because no one wanted to be around you).
• Filtering: You tend to be hyperaware of the negative aspects of a situation and minimize any positive aspects. (Ex: Everyone acknowledged that you gave a great presentation, but all you can remember is how you tripped over your words.) _{(Mayo Clinic Staff, 2020)}

Although only these examples are listed, I encourage you to be hyperaware of your self-talk during the day and write down any negative thoughts you notice.

What Does this Mean?

Now that we have a general understanding as to what negative self-talk may look like, what does this exactly mean for us? According to Rational Emotive Behavior therapists, people’s conversations and thoughts about themselves are based on their own beliefs about themselves.

Let that sink in a bit…

The way we talk to ourselves is the way we feel about ourselves. Now, I’m a believer that what we think about we attract. If that’s case, maybe these negative thoughts we have about ourselves only reinforce and feed our negative attitudes, creating this vicious cycle of destructive/demeaning thoughts and self-sabotage. Playing devil’s advocate, maybe the contrary also holds true– that if we primarily engage in positive self-talk we will feel better about ourselves and our choices. However, in order to do this, we must be willing to challenge our everyday thoughts, regardless of how engrained they may be in our minds.

Techniques for Creating Positive Self-Talk

Undoubtedly, it is challenging to pay attention to and change your everyday thoughts. Despite this, I have learned that we harness the ability to change, sometimes we just need tools that help us get to that point. In order to help you along that journey, I have added three of my favorite counseling strategies to aid you in your quest to overcoming negative self-talk:

The Countering Method

The method has 4 steps:

1. Detect when you engage in negative-self talk and what those words are. An easy way you can do this is by writing down each instance of negative thinking. Record things like what is going on at that time, any external factors, and the words you thought. Do this for 1 week.
2. After 1 week, think about the purpose of those thoughts that you wrote down. Ask yourself “What does this negative thought help me do or feel?” This will give you a better understanding for the basis of your thoughts.
3. Once you understand the reasoning and function behind these thoughts, develop statements that will counter the original thought. For instance, if your thought is “If I can’t get an ‘A’ on this paper, than I am a total failure.” replace that thought with “I have put forth my best effort on this paper and that is what truly matters. An ‘A’ does not define me as a person.”
4. Practice replacing these negative thoughts with the positive ones you created. Write them down if you want so that you can easily refer back to them.

Reframing

The goal of this technique is to help you see things from a different vantage point and eventually, help you replace your negative thought with the newly identified point of view. In order to do this, you must first identify the negative thought you want to change. Then, you must replace it with a more positive, constructive perspective.

Example: Original thought: If I eat a cookie this week, all of my hard work at the gym will be a waste. Reframed thought: Eating a cookie doesn’t define me or my hard work at the gym. I deserve to eat foods that I enjoy.

Cognitive Restructuring

The basis of this strategy is that irrational beliefs and thoughts lead to self-defeating behaviors, but these thoughts and subsequent behaviors can be altered by replacing them with positive thoughts. Again, this technique works similar to the ones previously mentioned in that you must be aware of when you are engaging in negative thoughts. The best way to do this is by writing them down each time they occur. If you don’t want to write them down in the moment, another way you can engage in this technique is by thinking back on things that have frustrated or upset you within the past week and ask yourself these 2 questions:

1. What was particularly upsetting for you in that moment?
2. What thoughts went through your head?

If you have difficulty determining whether a thought is self-defeating/negative, ask yourself these questions:

1. What do you think will happen when _____ occurs?
2. How can you find out?
3. How do you know for certain that will occur?

By asking yourself these questions, you will be better able to determine which thoughts are self-defeating and which are realistic. Once this occurs, you can keep up with your progress by keeping a scheme diary which can help you in altering your beliefs. The following is an outline from Meichenbaum (2003, p. 429) on how you can set up your own scheme diary:

Triggers: (What set off my reactions?) Emotions: (What was I feeling?) Thoughts: (What was I thinking?) Behaviors: (What did I actually do?) Life traps: (Which of my “buttons” got pushed? What early life experiences might be related?) Coping: (Realistic concerns: In what ways were my reactions justified? What did I do to cause or worsen the situation? Is there anyone I can check this out with?) Overreactions: (In what ways did I exaggerate or misinterpret the situation?) Problem-solve: (In what ways could I cope better in the future or solve the problem?) Learned: (What have I learned from this situation that I can apply in the future?)

The Takeaway

We all have the ability to change our thoughts, regardless of how difficult it may be. With time, practice, and determination, you can challenge your self-limiting/defeating thoughts and replace them with realistic and positive ways of thinking, while overtime, altering the way you see yourself and the world around you indefinitely.

References

Erford, B. T. (2019). 45 techniques every counselor should know (3rd ed.). Pearson   Education, Inc.

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2020). Positive thinking: Stop negative self-talk to reduce stress. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950

Meichenbaum, D. (2003). A clinical handbook/practical therapist manual for assessing and treating adults with post-traumatic stress disorder. Toronto, Ontario, Canada: Institute Press.